Satire & opinion · October 31, 2026
South Florida Offense Finishes Third in Own Win
Defense and special teams score 12 apiece. Beck's unit graciously accepts the bronze.
TAMPA — South Florida beat UAB 30–10 on Saturday after its defense and kicker completed the group project and allowed Tim Beck's offense to put its name on the cover.
The victory improved the Bulls to 6–2 and secured bowl eligibility, ensuring America will receive at least one additional opportunity to watch a defense apply for the offensive coordinator's job.
On Halloween, South Florida's offense dressed as a functioning offense. The costume fooled anyone who checked only the final score.
The podium ceremony
| Department | Work submitted | Points |
|---|---|---|
| Defense | Two fumble-return touchdowns | 12 |
| Special teams | Three field goals, three extra points | 12 |
| Offense | One rushing touchdown | 6 |
Yes, the offense moved the ball on the field-goal drives. It deserves credit for driving Nico Gramatica to work. The actual scoring, with extra points counted under special teams, still leaves Beck's unit in third place. Official scoring log.
There are three phases of football. Finishing last among them while winning by 20 is a remarkable commitment to the bit.
C.J. Hicks discovers the forward fumble
UAB led 10–0 before South Florida scored 30 straight points. C.J. Hicks recorded four sacks and forced both fumbles that became touchdowns: Asani Redwood returned one six yards before halftime, and Grayson Howard returned the other 13 yards in the fourth quarter. Howard also had two sacks. Box score.
Beck has a play sheet, a headset and an entire week to arrange a touchdown. Hicks found it quicker to ask the other quarterback for the ball.
The defense allowed 177 yards, including just 17 on the ground. That is an actual reason to celebrate. It is also a terrible place for the offense to hide, because the people doing the carrying are standing right next to it.
Passing game remains within walking distance
South Florida finished with 46 passing yards. Not on one drive. For the afternoon. The passing offense could have held its entire production between midfield and the goal line and still had room for a small picnic.
After Michael Van Buren's early exit, Luke Kromenhoek supplied 92 rushing yards. His 42-yard run helped set up the first field goal. His 25-yard run on third-and-five helped set up Jason Collins Jr.'s six-yard touchdown. Those legs gave a stuck offense a way out. UAB's game recap.
RotoWire reported an apparent injury during the game. The available report did not establish a diagnosis. The play-by-play also does not establish that Kromenhoek ignored Beck's calls or that another coach took over.
What it does establish is that the backup quarterback's feet produced twice as many yards as the entire team's passing game. The aerial attack has been advised to consider shoes.
The losing coach would like a word
UAB coach Alex Mortensen supplied the kind of postgame quote that should make an offensive staff quietly remove the word “explosive” from its recruiting slides:
“They really struggled to score on our defense today.”
That was the coach who lost by 20. He could still say it with a straight face. Mortensen's October 31 comments, published by UAB Athletics.
Brian Hartline has a win to celebrate and an offense to answer for. Both fit on the same postgame agenda. If the plan is to keep winning this way, the next offensive staff meeting should probably include Hicks, Gramatica and a thank-you card.
The fans are checking the renewal terms
On October 31, Bases on Bulls (@BasesOnBulls) wrote that, after nine seasons as a season-ticket holder, they did not intend to renew for the new stadium:
“I’m not spending thousands of dollars to watch Tim Beck struggle to move the ball against FAU, Charlotte, and Rice.”
That is one fan's stated decision, not a ticket-sales report. But it is a pretty direct review of the entertainment product: beautiful new stadium, same loading screen.
The fan's list concerns the broader experience, not Saturday's opponent. UAB was the opponent Saturday. The concern about paying premium prices for this offense travels.
The game thread declines to award style points
The October 31 postgame discussion on The Bulls Pen had a different tone from a victory parade. The Great 8 put the quarterback debate this way:
“If. Beck. Is. OC. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Who. QB. Is.”
A full stop after every word. Finally, an offensive discussion with a consistent rhythm.
Sellular1 acknowledged the wins but added, “I still hate watching this team.” Massbull argued that predictable passing situations and too little play-action were exposing the tackles.
Bob Loblaw thought the second-quarter screens had helped the line, then asked: “Why did we abandon them?” Meanwhile, Bulls On Parade wanted the program to prioritize retaining defensive coordinator Josh Aldridge.
Some posters simply enjoyed the win. The critics were debating how to repeat it without requiring the defense to moonlight as the offense.
Reddit would like to speak to the offensive specialist
Over in r/CFB's October 31 postgame thread, NebraskaAvenue offered a short performance review:
“One offensive TD, Tim Beck still needs to go”
Gusanito99 saw the quarterback change as a limited answer to a larger problem:
“MVB can throw and Luke can run but our o-line and OC are so trash it barely matters how good they are”
jcc309 offered a similar reading: Kromenhoek's running suited a struggling line, rather than proving he was the better quarterback. That is a fan's interpretation of the improvisation, not confirmation that he was changing Beck's calls.
Breedwell wrote:
“CJ Hicks single handedly beat UAB today”
And StallsAndCamps had a question for the head coach:
“Isn't hartline supposed to be an offensive specialist”
A fair question to take into the next staff meeting. Perhaps the answer is on the same missing page as the passing game.
Previously on Everybody Else Scores
Against Kent State, South Florida led 10–2 at halftime without an offensive touchdown. Hicks supplied six points on a fumble return; the kicking game supplied the other four. Official October 17 recap.
Now the defense has outscored the offense's touchdown total for an entire game. The sample is expanding. So is the defense's job description.
Next comes ECU on Friday, November 6, at 7:30 p.m. Eastern. South Florida will bring a 6–2 record, a 2–2 conference mark and an offense fresh off a podium finish.
Only three departments entered. Please do not ask any follow-up questions.